To borrow a phrase from the reunited Beach Boys, who are among tonight's scheduled performers, wouldn't it be nice if the following were tomorrow morning's headlines?
1. LL Cool J Does Like Mama Says: Knocks Us Out
Hosting an awards show is always tricky, but with Whitney Houston's death still fresh in everyone's minds, LL faces an especially tough challenge. Then again, if anyone has the charm to poke fun at the business without devolving into Ricky Gervais-grade snark, it's this ever-classy old-school MC.
2. Whitney Houston Remembered With Classy Tribute
It's tempting to go big and melodramatic, especially since the late soul diva lived such a big and melodramatic life, but the right play here is for Jennifer Hudson and Chaka Khan to forget about the turmoil of Houston's later years and give us a straightforward tribute to an undeniable talent.
3. Kanye West's Grammy Fantasies Become Reality
As fun as it would be to watch him bug out over losing, Yeezy deserves mad statues for 'My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy' -- the wackiest, most sprawling mental breakdown of a pop album since the Beach Boys' 'SMiLE.' Which brings us to ...
4. The Beach Boys Shine Again
We all know the history: California boys rule the early '60s with good-time songs about cars and girls, then discover drugs, grow beards, go astray, squander the '70s, hang with John Stamos in the '80s and tour with bogus partial lineups in the '90s. Now the full crew, including mastermind Brian Wilson, is back, and we hope they'll do their legend justice. A good way to start: Schooling Maroon 5 and Foster the People, who will join them onstage.
5. The Beatles Reunite (Sorta)
Paul McCartney is performing. Ringo Starr is presenting. Surely there will be a couple of guitarists in the room willing to play John and George for a night. Why should the Beach Boys get all the reunion glory? Nearly a half-century after the Fab Four's 'Rubber Soul' pushed Brian Wilson to write 'Pet Sounds,' the rivalry lives on!
6. Adele Returns to Top Form
Everyone loves a comeback story, and what better time than "music's biggest night" to welcome back pop's biggest voice. Adele already proved to Anderson Cooper that throat surgery was but a minor setback, and now she can ease the minds of the millions (billions?) of people who brought '21.'
7. Nicki Minaj: Best New Artist
The Grammys have been known to botch this category -- or pull a Milli Vanilli, if you like -- but here, they have an opportunity to recognize one of the more unique newcomers in recent memory. Lil Kim may feel differently.
8. Lady Gaga Plays It Cool
We liked the egg thing last year and the Jo Calderone drag-king act at the VMAs, but maybe it's time for Gaga to tone it down and show her demure side. At this point, the nuttiest the she could do would be to show up in a Hilary Clinton pantsuit and leave the shock tactics to someone actually wanting for publicity.
9. Dave Grohl: Dance Machine
What on earth are the Foo Fighters doing performing with Chris Brown, Deadmau5, Lil Wayne and David Guetta in a tribute to electronica and dance music? Dancing, hopefully. We know Grohl can drum, sing and play guitar, but it's high time he shows us his secret club-kid side.
10. Grammys End in Record Time
We love the showbiz back-patting and glad-handing just as much as the next bunch of music journalists forced to watch the ceremony, but would it kill them to wrap this baby up in less than three hours? There are other things we could all be doing with our time.